Well when two people really love each other life is created (sometimes it's when people love each other).
Main characters of this story include:
Myself as Myself
Jackie as Myself's Wife
Isobel as Myself's Daughter
Caught up? Good because I have no idea what has been happening in the world around for over a year. Most people want to say that pregnancy lasts only 9 months but Isobel is almost 9 months old which somehow I am still able to do math and that comes out to almost 18 months. Holy shit, a whole year and a half and I'm still trying to lose the baby fat. Yes, father's to be, you will be getting some baby fat too. I don't care if you are super macho now and think "I'll just continue to eat and work out as normal." Let me give you a piece of advice:
Your partner is going to want to eat. A LOT. And then some. But she won't be able to eat it all so guess what, it is either waste the money and throw the tons (literally tons, and they just redid the definition of literally so I win here) or you are going to end up eating it yourself. So in other words don't even worry about ordering or making food for yourself because your wife is ordering for herself, the baby, you, the neighbors and their family.
If the food wasn't enough, and you thought you will still be able to work out then you clearly have never even met a woman before. If she is going to put on the baby fat and look her "worst" (this is what she will think but we know she looks amazing, or at least you better say it) then you are not going to go workout and look amazing. She will be a crying fool and it will be all your fault. Show some sympathy for her for love's sake. If she has to have extra weight you will too. You started this problem those so many months ago.
Once the baby is here and she starts breastfeeding you don't get to work out either. The hormones are here to stay. It's like the in-laws just moving in, no privacy whatsoever. Since they stay with your wife and she doesn't lose weight, neither do you. This is how we end up going on almost 2 years and still no weight loss in the family.
Now you would think that you would start to lose some of that weight just by chasing an 8 month human around on the floor because they are crawling. Now a crawling baby for you non-parents probably looks similar to a turtle walking. However, once you are sleep deprived and you are on the verge of being considered brain dead by the medical community that turtle or aka the 8 month old human crawling has turned into a cheetah tearing through your house. Not only is the little human fast to you but it is destroying things left and right. Oh and everything goes in the mouth. Be prepared to become an expert fisherman. Your finger becomes a hook and you become the worst person ever to this little human being.
And DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge your baby to a "who can cry louder" match. Just know you will lose every time. When you do win, they will just wake you up in the middle of the night just because.
Being a parent is the greatest thing ever, you learn how to take care of the baby which in turn helps you take better care of yourself. You realize how much shit can be left over if you only wipe one time. You learn that you have to eat because otherwise you become an intolerable bitch. You learn that you don't really NEED 8 hours of sleep but it sure as hell would be nice to get 8 hours or longer.
Goo goo gah gah,
David
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