What Do You Work For When You Clock In?

So we are going to step away from the funny blogs just for a day and focus on the important things that can get lost in the shuffle as you and your partner are dealing with a new addition to the family. At the end of the day you still have to make time for your partner and show them that you still love them.

People want different things from the company they work for. I used to want to be recognized for the great things I did while clocked in. Now that I have worked in sales for 6 years it is no longer that awesome when I'm at the register processing a big order. Don't get me wrong it is still nice to get some constructive feedback on where I am and where the leadership wants me but I don't need pats on the back anymore from the bosses.

My pat on the back comes when I have enough money in the bank account to spoil my wife and baby. Not always because I spend money on things for them, it can also be as simple as there is more than enough money to pay bills so I don't have to work as hard which means I can spend more time at home with them just playing around the house.

I used to earn money so that I could go out with friends, but having a family changes that. I would press repeat on my life over and over again and I wouldn't change a thing because everything that has happened in my life has led me up to this moment.

So what are you really working for when you clock in at work?

The Best Part Of Being A Parent Is All The Things I Don't Have To Worry About...

The other night I realized when I went to sleep that I love that since Isobel wakes up every day at or close around 0700 I do not have to set annoying rooster alarms on my phone to wake me up before work. Don't get me wrong I love having Isobel for many more meaningful reasons but no one wants to hear about that stuff. We want to hear the real shit. Things that they don't tell you in those "Expectant Father" books.

So my list of things that I no longer have to worry about:

• The fact that I no longer worry about where my extra money is going to go. It is clearly going to go towards food for the baby, diapers for the baby, toys for the baby, diapers for the baby, wipes for the baby, food for the baby, and diapers for the baby in case I have not mentioned it. 
• The fact that I no longer have to worry about anyone smelling my farts in public. I just look at Isobel and say, "Isobel, wow you have a loud and stinky tushy. It may be time for a diaper change." as I pretend to walk to the closest bathrooms.
• The fact that I don't have to worry about looking presentable in public. If my clothes are dirty I can just say Isobel threw up on me before we left the house and didn't have time to change. Apparently if you only have dogs this excuse doesn't work as well.
• The fact that I can be late to most things now and again put it on Isobel.
• The fact that I can be forgetful and people think it is just normal because I have a baby.
• I no longer have to worry about stuff getting broken because I just know it will get broken.
• I no longer have to worry about if I will ever see my family again. They cannot come over fast enough now.
• I no longer have to worry about my response to the questions of how I am doing. The attention and focus is on Isobel as I weep in the background.
• I no longer have to worry about my face when gifts are given to me at Christmas or my birthday. I no longer gets presents, they all go to Isobel. 
• I no longer have to worry about people judging me for being fat. It is just expected that now that I am a dad I will be fat.
• I no longer have to worry about what I am going to order for myself because I it is what Isobel wants (or in the current moment, what she can eat).
• I no longer have to worry about eating my food hot. I will always eat my food cold, or if I am lucky, slightly warm.
• I no longer have to worry about being out too late and being yelled at by my wife. Isobel's bedtime is between 730 and 900 and I am the one who can put her to sleep.

For those nervous about being a dad, don't be. If you are worried about how much money you have compared to how much you think you need then have fun because I am going to let you in on a little secret. You will never have enough money. You will however, figure out that you will ALWAYS have money for your child even if it means you suffer. You prioritize quickly. If you have friends and family then most of the things you need for the baby will be provided at a baby shower. The rest you will figure out as you go along. To be honest, I never read any of the "get ready to be a dad" books. If it was really that simple to just read a book then more men would hang around when they find out they are having a baby. 

I went into like I have everything else, with just my instincts and my brains. I know that is not much but it has gotten me along this far. So now that I have so many less things to worry about I feel  I can go to sleep peacefully. Yeah right, I have a daughter. 

Goo goo gah gah,

David

I Thought Pregnancy Only Lasted 9 Months?

Well when two people really love each other life is created (sometimes it's when people love each other).

Main characters of this story include:

Myself as Myself
Jackie as Myself's Wife
Isobel as Myself's Daughter

Caught up? Good because I have no idea what has been happening in the world around for over a year. Most people want to say that pregnancy lasts only 9 months but Isobel is almost 9 months old which somehow I am still able to do math and that comes out to almost 18 months. Holy shit, a whole year and a half and I'm still trying to lose the baby fat. Yes, father's to be, you will be getting some baby fat too. I don't care if you are super macho now and think "I'll just continue to eat and work out as normal." Let me give you a piece of advice:

Your partner is going to want to eat. A LOT. And then some. But she won't be able to eat it all so guess what, it is either waste the money and throw the tons (literally tons, and they just redid the definition of literally so I win here) or you are going to end up eating it yourself. So in other words don't even worry about ordering or making food for yourself because your wife is ordering for herself, the baby, you, the neighbors and their family.

If the food wasn't enough, and you thought you will still be able to work out then you clearly have never even met a woman before. If she is going to put on the baby fat and look her "worst" (this is what she will think but we know she looks amazing, or at least you better say it) then you are not going to go workout and look amazing. She will be a crying fool and it will be all your fault. Show some sympathy for her for love's sake. If she has to have extra weight you will too. You started this problem those so many months ago.

Once the baby is here and she starts breastfeeding you don't get to work out either. The hormones are here to stay. It's like the in-laws just moving in, no privacy whatsoever. Since they stay with your wife and she doesn't lose weight, neither do you. This is how we end up going on almost 2 years and still no weight loss in the family.

Now you would think that you would start to lose some of that weight just by chasing an 8 month human around on the floor because they are crawling. Now a crawling baby for you non-parents probably looks similar to a turtle walking. However, once you are sleep deprived and you are on the verge of being considered brain dead by the medical community that turtle or aka the 8 month old human crawling has turned into a cheetah tearing through your house. Not only is the little human fast to you but it is destroying things left and right. Oh and everything goes in the mouth. Be prepared to become an expert fisherman. Your finger becomes a hook and you become the worst person ever to this little human being.

And DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge your baby to a "who can cry louder" match. Just know you will lose every time. When you do win, they will just wake you up in the middle of the night just because.

Being a parent is the greatest thing ever, you learn how to take care of the baby which in turn helps you take better care of yourself. You realize how much shit can be left over if you only wipe one time. You learn that you have to eat because otherwise you become an intolerable bitch. You learn that you don't really NEED 8 hours of sleep but it sure as hell would be nice to get 8 hours or longer.

Goo goo gah gah,
David