I am sitting in my hotel room away from my family and missing them like never before. It is hard to believe that after 13 months it is still hard to wrap my head around the fact that we created a tiny human being. Now I have to guide her through this life, make sure that she is prepared to venture out into the world with the best possible way to flourish. I still wonder if this is possible to do. Not a single thing in this world can prepare you to be a parent. I don't care how many books you read, how many articles or blogs you read online, nothing can prepare you. Nothing.
You lose a part of yourself when you have a child. Nights at a hotel mean absolutely nothing to me. A day off is just a day that I also don't have to work while caring for someone that I save their life more times than the years I have been alive without a single thank you. The idea that I am my own person is gone. I can see why there are so many parents that just suck at this. You have to have complete selflessness if you plan to have a child.
The selflessness that comes with a child is different than that in a marriage. In a marriage, you compromise (at least in a successful marriage). If you are a parent, you sacrifice. It is that simple.
Here's the thing, you could lose parts of yourself over and over and over again for 20 times, and one smile or silly action from your child and you forget about losing any part of yourself. And it even makes you feel like an idiot for feeling like you lost anything at all. I know Isobel keeps me speechless and a single picture of her smiling is enough to cut me into pieces.
I try (I am failing) to appreciate the simple things in life now. I'm lucky that I have a wife that allows me to keep my hours of sleep. I am in preparation to intimidate her first boyfriend (who am I kidding, ALL of her boyfriends). I cherish every moment that I have with her because I need those moments. I want those moments. I love the whole thing with being a parent and I would sacrifice everything just to see Isobel smile and laugh.
Even being 2.5 hours away from her in a hotel I can hear her now, coming down the hallway, "Pa pa pa pa..." And that is enough to make me forget the things I felt that I lost out on. I wouldn't trade this for the world.
-David
