Mommy Bloggers: Come Back Down to Earth, You Are Not A God. (Dads Are Parents, too).

You want to fire me up?! Bring up all the mommy bloggers out there that have this tone of "moms are better at parenting and adulting than dads". Okay, so there are a lot more things that will get me fired up but I will try to limit myself to just this one thing today.

Seriously though, read some mommy blogs. You would think they are God in their house because they do every single thing for the household while their husbands binge watch entire seasons of TV shows on Netflix while going to the bathroom.

It doesn't even have to be a mommy blogger. I see it all the time on Facebook too, moms posting to Facebook asking other moms for advice about something regarding their kids but never once asking dads for advice. I guess dads just aren't good parents or don't know anything about taking care of their own kids.

Disclaimer: Now that I'm sure I have gotten the moms reading this fired up, I want to clarify that I am talking in generic terms and about the overall tone that these blogs and Facebook statuses carry. This is not my view about every mom or even specific moms. And last but not least: It is definitely not a view that I have towards my own wife. I believe that my wife is the best wife and mother out there. Now back to the good stuff. 

Let's bring moms down a notch from their holier than thou perch.

Just the other day I saw a mom leave their child at the entrance of a store inside a busy mall while they went shopping inside. The mom never turned around to make sure their child was still safe. Okay, to be fair I've seen dads do this too. This one just happened to be on the top of my radar.

I will take my daughter to a playground, a park, the play area inside a mall and every single mom is glued to their phone. Yet, I can spend the entire time without checking my phone once. So if you ever wonder why dads spend all their time on the phone during bathroom breaks it's probably because they didn't get to play on Pinterest or complete the next level of Candy Crush while watching their child. Instead they were at work to provide for their family.

Oh, and reading about how moms have to make sure their husbands bring all these backup items when taking their child out of the house. Trust me mommy bloggers, you don't really need all of that extra stuff. In fact, I rarely bring extra stuff when I take my daughter out of the house. Guess what? She has survived and made it to 4 years old. Moms always complain because spending all day with their child is exhausting. Well, yeah anyone would be exhausted if they were carrying around 50 extra pounds of luggage just to go to the store to get a vegetable (this doesn't include their purse).

I see it all the time, moms ask moms for parenting advice. I have yet to see a mom ask a dad for parenting advice. It's like dads are just there to hold your 50 pounds of extra luggage. I know a dad that could run circles around 99% of the moms out there when it comes to health and wellness for kids, yet everyone always asks his wife for advice. Are you serious? Those Pinterest results aren't going to cut it all the time.

A personal example of this for me was about our daughter not eating. My advice was to prepare the food and let her decide to eat it or not eat it. When everyone else was finished eating if she had decided not to eat then she wasn't allowed any food until the next major meal. Yes, this could mean not eating her dinner before bed. Logically, I knew that based on human instincts our daughter wasn't going to let herself starve to death. Even if she would, we would never let her get that far. Thus eventually she would learn that she needs to eat when she is hungry and it is time to eat. What do you know, our daughter has made some great strides in eating when it is time to eat and when she is hungry.

Well, guess what? A month or so into this new method and I see this article posted to my wife's Facebook as food for thought. Yet, I had already come to the same conclusion that the article mentioned and I didn't need scientific "proof". Yet, for a dad to be correct, we need the backing of a mom before our parenting choices are deemed correct.

Moral of the story? Dads are great parents too. Just because we may not parent or adult the way moms do it, or the way moms want us to do it, doesn't make our way any less valid. Get off your cloud of perfection and return to the world of the mortals because dads are parents too.

Being A Father

I am sitting in my hotel room away from my family and missing them like never before. It is hard to believe that after 13 months it is still hard to wrap my head around the fact that we created a tiny human being. Now I have to guide her through this life, make sure that she is prepared to venture out into the world with the best possible way to flourish. I still wonder if this is possible to do. Not a single thing in this world can prepare you to be a parent. I don't care how many books you read, how many articles or blogs you read online, nothing can prepare you. Nothing.

You lose a part of yourself when you have a child. Nights at a hotel mean absolutely nothing to me. A day off is just a day that I also don't have to work while caring for someone that I save their life more times than the years I have been alive without a single thank you. The idea that I am my own person is gone. I can see why there are so many parents that just suck at this. You have to have complete selflessness if you plan to have a child.

The selflessness that comes with a child is different than that in a marriage. In a marriage, you compromise (at least in a successful marriage). If you are a parent, you sacrifice. It is that simple.

Here's the thing, you could lose parts of yourself over and over and over again for 20 times, and one smile or silly action from your child and you forget about losing any part of yourself. And it even makes you feel like an idiot for feeling like you lost anything at all. I know Isobel keeps me speechless and a single picture of her smiling is enough to cut me into pieces.

I try (I am failing) to appreciate the simple things in life now. I'm lucky that I have a wife that allows me to keep my hours of sleep. I am in preparation to intimidate her first boyfriend (who am I kidding, ALL of her boyfriends). I cherish every moment that I have with her because I need those moments. I want those moments. I love the whole thing with being a parent and I would sacrifice everything just to see Isobel smile and laugh.

Even being 2.5 hours away from her in a hotel I can hear her now, coming down the hallway, "Pa pa pa pa..." And that is enough to make me forget the things I felt that I lost out on. I wouldn't trade this for the world.

-David

What Do You Work For When You Clock In?

So we are going to step away from the funny blogs just for a day and focus on the important things that can get lost in the shuffle as you and your partner are dealing with a new addition to the family. At the end of the day you still have to make time for your partner and show them that you still love them.

People want different things from the company they work for. I used to want to be recognized for the great things I did while clocked in. Now that I have worked in sales for 6 years it is no longer that awesome when I'm at the register processing a big order. Don't get me wrong it is still nice to get some constructive feedback on where I am and where the leadership wants me but I don't need pats on the back anymore from the bosses.

My pat on the back comes when I have enough money in the bank account to spoil my wife and baby. Not always because I spend money on things for them, it can also be as simple as there is more than enough money to pay bills so I don't have to work as hard which means I can spend more time at home with them just playing around the house.

I used to earn money so that I could go out with friends, but having a family changes that. I would press repeat on my life over and over again and I wouldn't change a thing because everything that has happened in my life has led me up to this moment.

So what are you really working for when you clock in at work?

The Best Part Of Being A Parent Is All The Things I Don't Have To Worry About...

The other night I realized when I went to sleep that I love that since Isobel wakes up every day at or close around 0700 I do not have to set annoying rooster alarms on my phone to wake me up before work. Don't get me wrong I love having Isobel for many more meaningful reasons but no one wants to hear about that stuff. We want to hear the real shit. Things that they don't tell you in those "Expectant Father" books.

So my list of things that I no longer have to worry about:

• The fact that I no longer worry about where my extra money is going to go. It is clearly going to go towards food for the baby, diapers for the baby, toys for the baby, diapers for the baby, wipes for the baby, food for the baby, and diapers for the baby in case I have not mentioned it. 
• The fact that I no longer have to worry about anyone smelling my farts in public. I just look at Isobel and say, "Isobel, wow you have a loud and stinky tushy. It may be time for a diaper change." as I pretend to walk to the closest bathrooms.
• The fact that I don't have to worry about looking presentable in public. If my clothes are dirty I can just say Isobel threw up on me before we left the house and didn't have time to change. Apparently if you only have dogs this excuse doesn't work as well.
• The fact that I can be late to most things now and again put it on Isobel.
• The fact that I can be forgetful and people think it is just normal because I have a baby.
• I no longer have to worry about stuff getting broken because I just know it will get broken.
• I no longer have to worry about if I will ever see my family again. They cannot come over fast enough now.
• I no longer have to worry about my response to the questions of how I am doing. The attention and focus is on Isobel as I weep in the background.
• I no longer have to worry about my face when gifts are given to me at Christmas or my birthday. I no longer gets presents, they all go to Isobel. 
• I no longer have to worry about people judging me for being fat. It is just expected that now that I am a dad I will be fat.
• I no longer have to worry about what I am going to order for myself because I it is what Isobel wants (or in the current moment, what she can eat).
• I no longer have to worry about eating my food hot. I will always eat my food cold, or if I am lucky, slightly warm.
• I no longer have to worry about being out too late and being yelled at by my wife. Isobel's bedtime is between 730 and 900 and I am the one who can put her to sleep.

For those nervous about being a dad, don't be. If you are worried about how much money you have compared to how much you think you need then have fun because I am going to let you in on a little secret. You will never have enough money. You will however, figure out that you will ALWAYS have money for your child even if it means you suffer. You prioritize quickly. If you have friends and family then most of the things you need for the baby will be provided at a baby shower. The rest you will figure out as you go along. To be honest, I never read any of the "get ready to be a dad" books. If it was really that simple to just read a book then more men would hang around when they find out they are having a baby. 

I went into like I have everything else, with just my instincts and my brains. I know that is not much but it has gotten me along this far. So now that I have so many less things to worry about I feel  I can go to sleep peacefully. Yeah right, I have a daughter. 

Goo goo gah gah,

David

I Thought Pregnancy Only Lasted 9 Months?

Well when two people really love each other life is created (sometimes it's when people love each other).

Main characters of this story include:

Myself as Myself
Jackie as Myself's Wife
Isobel as Myself's Daughter

Caught up? Good because I have no idea what has been happening in the world around for over a year. Most people want to say that pregnancy lasts only 9 months but Isobel is almost 9 months old which somehow I am still able to do math and that comes out to almost 18 months. Holy shit, a whole year and a half and I'm still trying to lose the baby fat. Yes, father's to be, you will be getting some baby fat too. I don't care if you are super macho now and think "I'll just continue to eat and work out as normal." Let me give you a piece of advice:

Your partner is going to want to eat. A LOT. And then some. But she won't be able to eat it all so guess what, it is either waste the money and throw the tons (literally tons, and they just redid the definition of literally so I win here) or you are going to end up eating it yourself. So in other words don't even worry about ordering or making food for yourself because your wife is ordering for herself, the baby, you, the neighbors and their family.

If the food wasn't enough, and you thought you will still be able to work out then you clearly have never even met a woman before. If she is going to put on the baby fat and look her "worst" (this is what she will think but we know she looks amazing, or at least you better say it) then you are not going to go workout and look amazing. She will be a crying fool and it will be all your fault. Show some sympathy for her for love's sake. If she has to have extra weight you will too. You started this problem those so many months ago.

Once the baby is here and she starts breastfeeding you don't get to work out either. The hormones are here to stay. It's like the in-laws just moving in, no privacy whatsoever. Since they stay with your wife and she doesn't lose weight, neither do you. This is how we end up going on almost 2 years and still no weight loss in the family.

Now you would think that you would start to lose some of that weight just by chasing an 8 month human around on the floor because they are crawling. Now a crawling baby for you non-parents probably looks similar to a turtle walking. However, once you are sleep deprived and you are on the verge of being considered brain dead by the medical community that turtle or aka the 8 month old human crawling has turned into a cheetah tearing through your house. Not only is the little human fast to you but it is destroying things left and right. Oh and everything goes in the mouth. Be prepared to become an expert fisherman. Your finger becomes a hook and you become the worst person ever to this little human being.

And DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES challenge your baby to a "who can cry louder" match. Just know you will lose every time. When you do win, they will just wake you up in the middle of the night just because.

Being a parent is the greatest thing ever, you learn how to take care of the baby which in turn helps you take better care of yourself. You realize how much shit can be left over if you only wipe one time. You learn that you have to eat because otherwise you become an intolerable bitch. You learn that you don't really NEED 8 hours of sleep but it sure as hell would be nice to get 8 hours or longer.

Goo goo gah gah,
David